I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I really don’t. I get asked on a weekly basis what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am doing.

Up to this point, I have done everything I have thought I was supposed to do. I dated (who I thought was) a nice guy in high school. I made plans for college, I got good grades, and I got into a local university.

When my relationship came crashing down, I felt like a failure. It ended horribly. Therapy was needed. He had to move. It was a major bump in the road. I had my first major failure in my eyes. I wasn’t going to marry my high school sweetheart like many people in my family had, including my parents and now my sister.

However, I trudged on. I went to college, had a few more failed relationships, a few failed friendships, some failed classes, and honestly, barely passing grades. But I graduated. With an English degree. I was ecstatic holding my very expensive piece of paper standing next to my boyfriend of two years.

But now what?

There is no guideline for what happens next. There is no common road to follow. There is no background to blend into. I felt as if my training wheels were ripped off with no warning and I was wobbling out of control. I was not ready.

I still don’t feel like I am ready.

There is no path paved for you. There is no one holding your hand and pointing the way. Its like walking into the sun, through knee high water, against the wind. And while you are working this hard, you have no clue if you are even walking in the right direction.

So you put on your sunglasses. Strap on your bibs. And zip up your windbreaker.

Brace for whatever comes next.

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